Have you ever thought about being a professional musician? Do you think you have what it takes? Follow my 15 easy steps and you can slide down the slippery slope just like me in no time!
1. Play an instrument
Find some instrument you like and play it. Or I guess you can sing. Just somehow make music.
2. Get decent at it
I’m not saying you have to be Yo-Yo Ma or anything at this point, but you have to at least know how to hold the thing (or if you’re a singer, breathe maybe? I don’t know).
3. Decide to be a professional musician
This is important. You’re never going to be a professional musician if you never think, I want to be a professional musician! Instead you’ll be a construction worker or a dinosaur or whatever it was that your 3-year-old self thought was the coolest thing in the world.
4. Have people dissuade you
Look, this happens to everyone. Your parents, your grandparents, your guidance counsellor, someone is going to pull you aside and say, “Hey, have you considered doing literally anything else? I hear even philosophy majors at least have cool parties!”
5. DON’T BE DISSUADED
You ain’t no pushover. You’re a MUSICIAN. Philosophy parties are boring anyway, and besides, what is money compared with passion?
6. Practice your pants off
Now you’ve done it, you’re on your way for real now. That means you get to spend the rest of your life practicing madly. (Interpret that how you will.) At this point, being decent at your instrument (or, yes, at singing, please feel free to infer that from now on, you vocalist you) is no longer enough: you have to be good.
7. Go to school for music
How do you get good? Why, you have to study with someone good of course! And naturally that means going to school and getting a degree in music. Sure, there are some top players who don’t have degrees, but they were like child prodigies or something and therefore don’t count. You, a normal human being, need a degree.
8. Go to summer festivals
You know that fun saying, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know? You need to know more musicians now. Sure you’ve probably met everyone at your school by now, but you need more. Musicians grow their webs of contacts by going to conferences and summer festivals. Conferences are for nerds though, so you go to summer festivals. Make sure after you come back from them that you talk exclusively about your awesome experiences there for at least a month and a half.
9. Graduate! … decide to go to school more
You did it! You got your shiny BM! Now what? Get a job? Oh. Um. Well, maybe. But are you really ready for that? You still haven’t learned all of the repertoire that was on that one pedagogue’s list of essentials, and you’re still not sure you’re as good as your frenemy Sara from Summer Festival. What you clearly need now is another degree or so. Back to school you go!
10. Take an audition!
It’s time! You have degreeS! You feel ready to take on the Wonderful World of Orchestral Auditions. Local big orchestra is holding some, so it’s time to send in your resume and deposit check, and hit the practice room. See you in round 1!
11. You don’t win
The Wonderful World of Orchestral Auditions has now introduced itself to you properly by hitting you with a steam roller. There were 70 other people there for that audition and you didn’t make it out of the first round. Better luck next time!
12. Repeat steps 10 and 11 ad nauseam
This is the part where you really start questioning life. You think back to step 4 and wonder if maybe Mrs. Rice had a point in trying to steer you towards engineering. You look at your non musician friends progressing with life and think, maybe an 8-5 would be nice. But YOU’RE A MUSICIAN, you silly head, and you can’t stop now.
13. Branch out
Ok but you really do need money. Probably by now you’ve broken into the local gig scene, but that isn’t going to be enough. You get side gigs: you work at a coffee shop, you teach urchins, you start a blog, but you don’t get a full time job, oh no. You need that time to practice, because one day, one heavenly day, you’re going to reach step 14.
14. Win a job!
You’ve done it! You’re a professional musician now for real! You’ve finally won an audition! Of course, unless it’s full-time orchestra, you’re still back on step 12, and there’s a good chance you’re on step 12 even if it is a full-time orchestra. Because now that you’re in one orchestra, what’s to stop you from getting into a better orchestra?!
15. Decide that you’ve made it
A highly scientific study conducted recently that I would link to but can’t for totally legit reasons and definitely not because I made it up concluded that .005% of musicians know that they’ve made it to this step. Maybe you’re in the Berlin Philharmonic, but wouldn’t it be better to be a section leader? Wouldn’t it be better to be the concertmaster? Could you be a soloist? What about a conductor? … Musicians train constantly for years be better and to improve. Good luck turning that off, you Professional Musician.