Category: Humor

These are posts that use HUMOR as their main feature. Or ones that I thought were funny. That might not be the same thing though.

  • November Reading (Writing) Roundup and Where I’ve Been

    WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN— EMORY ROSENOW? Well, I’m still in my awesome reading chair and lost in a book! I’ve just spent the last month lost in a novel of my own writing for a change. (Oh my!) Don’t worry, I still have a couple of book recommendations for you people from things I read in November. There’s just fewer this month – partly because I’ve been waiting for an approximate AGE on SEVERAL books from the library (READ FASTER, PEOPLE).

    WHERE— No wait we just established that. WHAT?

    So. I decided to participate in National Novel Writing Month this year, after talking about doing it for the last I DON’T KNOW six years? But this year I completed it. (Note that this is not the same as completing the novel.) The challenge, for all the cool kids out there who aren’t horrible nerds like me, is to write 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November, or about 1667 words per day. I have accomplished that (please clap), and right now I’m sitting on I don’t know what percentage of a very rough draft, not ready for human consumption yet. So unless you’re a literarily-inclined cat (in which case I have questions) there’s nothing for you to read yet. Patience.

    National Novel Writing Month winner banner November reading
    THAT’S RIGHT, I’M A WINNER

    I will say, I have discovered this neat trick for writing a novel. It’s not a novel idea or anything, but I think it could be useful for you, if you’re interesting in getting into any kind of writing. If you want to write something, you write, and then you don’t stop writing. (Just like flying is falling but missing the Earth.) Anyway, now onto the reading part of the November Reading Writing!

    Book Recommendations

    Now the really good stuff that you’ve actually been waiting for! (And if that’s the case I’m really sorry, but you have hyped this up too much. Not me. You.)

    Between You and Me: Confessions of a Comma Queen by Mary Norris

    This is my #1 reading recommendation from November. It’s part grammar, part memoire, part history, and entirely delightful. I legitimately was laughing out loud frequently while reading this. Mary Norris worked in the editing stews of the New Yorker as a copy editor for twenty-four years, and draws heavily on those experiences to write her version of How English Works. She uses a lovely writing style (shocking) and interesting anecdotes to explore different facets of grammar, spelling, and common usage. Good luck predicting what she’s going to write about next, too. Huge thanks to Appletree Books for including this in their November local author reading recommendations (Mary Norris is a Cleveland native). Now I know even more useless trivia with which I can amaze (not annoy) my friends!

    Ten Things I Love About You by Julia Quinn

    Yes, more Julia Quinn. I’m going to read all her stuff. They’re better romances than most of the ones you see. Anyway, none of that’s the point. The point is that, in this book, they wait for the tea to steep. That’s right: the characters take the time to steep their tea properly. None of this nonsense of dropping a teabag into water and going HEY LOOK IT’S TEA, or, even worse, using a gottdam Keurig and magically having tea (Ilona Andrews I love you so much but I am looking at you so hard right now). Tea takes a hot second. Not like an age, but LORDY PEOPLE let your poor characters drink some proper brew, you’re putting them through enough without making them drink leaf water.

    Make Space by Regina Wong

    This is a book about minimalism. I was like hey cool, sounds interesting, I’m interested in leaning more that direction in my life, I’ll see what Regina GeorgeWong has to say. Oh. My. Goodness. This was the most repetitive book I think I’ve ever read. You would think that a book on minimalism would, I don’t know, get to the point? Not repeat itself multiple times? WongWrong. There are good points to it but HEAVENS TO BETSY does it take a DAY to get to them. My assessment: not worth your time. Don’t make space in your reading schedule for this one.

    November Reading Writing Others

    The others are more Julia Quinn, but honestly there’s like only so much you can write about them. Rather, only so much I can write about them. An Offer From a Gentleman is a Cinderella retelling. The Secret Diaries of Miranda Cheever is what happens when you never move on from your childhood crush. What Happens in London is enemies to lovers trope… no, actually on second thought there’s a little more I can say about that one: it takes place entirely in London, and there are Russians.

    I’m also considering adding more than books to my recommendations, because I think that my opinions should be valuable to you. If you want this from me, please go yell out your front door so I know. If you missed it, be sure to check out my October Reading Roundup for even more romance novels (because nothing says Spooktober like Regency-era lovers). Otherwise, this is my November Reading Writing Roundup out.

  • October Reading Roundup

    Posts are going to be a little thinner on the ground for a moment, while I’m doing THINGS. LOTS OF THINGS. EXCITING THINGS. Yay! And no I’m not going to write about them just yet. Sorry. Anyway, for now here’s some of my October reading (it’s a little romance-heavy, just so you’re forewarned), from the good to the don’t waste your time.

    October Reading: book covers!
    October Reading In Color

    The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman

    A thoroughly entertaining, light-hearted read. The characters are vivid, varied, and charming, and the scenes are set clearly. However, I felt that the pacing was just a little off. Not terrible, but it felt a bit like it was over before it started, or rather the big conflict happened without me noticing it. That could of course be on me. Jeni’s Ice Cream makes an exciting cameo, for my fellow Columbus-ites (ugh).

    A Study in Scarlet Women by Sherry Thomas

    Sherlock Holmes but he’s a woman. Also so is like everyone else. Glorious. The premise is lovely, the characters are very good, and it takes you straight to late Victorian London without passing go. And while I had some issues following dialogue (DIALOGUE TAGS ARE GREAT. USE DIALOGUE TAGS. Thomas clearly needs to read some Thursday Next.) and there were some whiplash perspective changes, the writing was overall solid. This is the first in her Lady Sherlock series, and it does a great job of setting up future tales of the great detective. The violin playing seems to be absent, though.

    The One in My Heart by Sherry Thomas

    When I went to check out the next book in the Lady Sherlock series, there was a WAIT LIST so I decided to try another book by the same author. According to the blurb description, this is her first foray into modern romance; her modern society looks somewhat different from mine, but I guess I also didn’t grow up on Park Ave so what do I know.

    The characters eventually gelled, but I spent the first half of this STRUGGLING to understand anyone’s motivations and also just what was happening. Thomas likes to keep the reader in suspense, which is a great technique, but we need some basic info. Literally every character was keeping significant secrets for most of the book, so there really wasn’t anyone to side with. Dialogue tags were again an issue (it’s pretty cool to read a scene and then get to the end and realize you had the characters flipped. Also odd that that kept working…). This book does deal with some serious mental health issues in what I thought was a sensitive and caring way, and the main character is good at condemning statutory rape, so that’s pretty cool. There is also just a ton of sex in this book. Like, a few scenes short of being straight erotica. (I exaggerate slightly.) Just so you know.

    A Conspiracy in Belgravia by Sherry Thomas

    BOOK TWO, WOO! Characters in this Lady Sherlock sequel seem to have really stabilized, and the dialogue tags and perspective hops are also improved. The story was engaging and the mystery was well-done, although I personally struggled to keep some characters straight. This is partly a me thing, as I identify characters by the first letter of their names; so if there’s both a Paul and Peter, for instance, I struggle. The pacing was slightly uneven (although never boring), and I thought the denouement delayed the actual explanations just a little bit too long.

    To Catch an Heiress by Julia Quinn

    Talk about wait lists. Julia Quinn, romance author extraordinaire, has multiple series. Many books. I swear that there’s a wait list on every single one from my library. I’ve been on hold for the second book in her main-ish series for over a month now, and the estimated wait time is still 8 weeks.

    Anyway. This is the first book (of two, so far) in whatever this series is called. The story is entertaining, the characters are strong, and it keeps you engaged the whole time. I’m too lazy to do any actual research, but there were some moments that felt very anachronistic to me; Quinn writes in the Regency period so much though, so maybe she knows better than I. Expert that I am. This is a satisfying romance with great heaps of emotion, so if you’re an emotion junkie like me you’ll love this.

    The Hollow of Fear by Sherry Thomas

    Oh baby it’s book three! Well written mystery that takes its time without feeling stodgy. The reveal was great: not at all predictable, but also not out of the blue. The characters are still strong and ripening like a good cheese. Gouda, probably.

    How to Marry a Marquis by Julia Quinn

    The second book in the Heiress whatever-it’s-called series. A sweet story with a strong female lead and a good supporting cast. There are classic romance tropes (they’re classic for a reason, ok?), but they’re well done. Satisfying as ever.

    The Year of Living Danishly by Helen Russell

    See, I don’t just read romances! Although I’m sure you could argue that this is a romance too: this will make you fall in love with The Danish Way. This is a highly entertaining account of the author’s year abroad in Denmark, and her attempts to understand hygge and to integrate (or not) into the Danish culture. Notably, what is it that makes Denmark the Happiest Country in the World? This book is full of sharp observations, good tips, realistic takes, and witty/hilarious dialogues. I highly recommend this book.

    October Reading Roundup Review

    Helen Russell has taught me to end chapters with bullet point summaries. Therefore: What do I think about my October reading?

    • Romances are great hits of emotion.
    • Dialogue tags are important.
    • I get stuck on authors.
    • It’s now November, and I need more hygge in my life.
  • Practicing Tricks and Treats

    Practicing Tricks and Treats

    By rights I should be posting my philosophical musings on practicing first, but I’m not. Instead, in the spirit (get it??) of the season, here are some of my favorite practicing tricks and treats!

    Your Toolbox

    I believe that, in order to practice most effectively and efficiently, you need to cultivate a “toolbox” of problem solving techniques. What’s in your personal toolbox depends on you! I think of it as a collection of techniques (tricks) and physical tools (treats [yes I’m stretching this metaphor]) that can help you get where you want to be. This is going to be musician-centric, because that’s what I do, but it can probably be applied to most endeavors.

    Treats

    Let’s reverse our favorite childhood phrase for this, because the physical tools are going to inform our practice techniques.

    Practicing trick: use a metronome
    What a Boss
    • METRONOME: You gotta have one. If you’re not familiar with metronomes, it’s a machine that goes CLICK CLICK CLICK at whatever speed you tell it. Music is sound in time, and if you don’t know what that time is you’re going to have… a rough time. It doesn’t have to be a fancy pants Dr. Beat, but you need to be able to hear it while you’re playing.
    • TUNER: Sometimes these come in combo with your metronome, such as the popular Korg dealios (which appear to have gotten fancier from when I started in music). I personally use a phone app (TE Tuner, it gives you a smiley face when you’re in tune!) for this. But basically you want something that will tell you if and how sharp or flat you are.
    • DRONES: These can be single pitches that either your metronome or tuner might be able to produce, or something like Richard Schwartz’s The Tuning CD which adds in fifths and octaves. These are really great for tuning your ears to hear pitches, and where you fall in relation.
    • RECORDING DEVICE: Again, this doesn’t have to be some fancy set-up. All you want from this is good enough sound quality that you can hear everything in your practice that you need to hear: dynamics, pitch, tone quality, whatever. If your phone has good enough mics for this, great! Of course if you’re recording an audition or something you might want to look into some of the nicer options. But you need to hear the problems in order to fix them, and recording your practice lets you do that after the fact. It’s amazing how much you can miss if you rely on your feedback in the moment!

    Tricks

    There are SO MANY potential practicing tricks. I’ll list some of my favorite general ones for now.

    • ASK YOUR TEACHER. If you’re still in school/studying with a teacher, this is your best resource. Naturally we want to get to a point where we can work out things for ourselves, but first we have to learn.
    • PRACTICE FLOWCHART. If you search in your favorite search engine, you can find dozens of different charts that people have made to walk you through practicing. I have a violin-centric one from my teacher that breaks down problems by genre (intonation? coordination? bowing?) and offers solutions based on that. You can even put together your own. If you often get stuck in your practicing, these will be great for you!
    • ASK A FRIEND. Have a friend listen to your playing, and get their advice! Musician friends can offer more specific and actionable advice, but non-musicians might give you some different perspectives.

    Remember, practice makes permanent, so if something isn’t working, don’t keep doing it! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Find some way to change things up, be it rhythms, tempo, bowings, however you can attack from a slightly different angle.

    Step one is almost always to slow things down, just so you have time to analyze what’s going on. See if you can pinpoint the problem area(s), and then you can work from there to solve them. Even if it’s a general technique that’s weak, you can use this method to break down what exactly is giving you grief.

    Practicing

    I always think that half the struggle of practicing is getting into the practice room in the first place. Going in with a plan, or some semblance of one, really helps me get started. Having a toolbox of practicing tricks at your fingertips is a reassurance that you’re not going to be spinning your wheels for the next 1–4 hours, and you can make so much more progress with focused practice!


    More to come, but for now, what’s your favorite practice technique, and what have I left out that I ABSOLUTELY shouldn’t have?

  • How to Practice

    This week, for Music Monday, let’s learn how to practice!* I’ve commissioned Mr. Butters to help demonstrate; he’s a great meowdel!

    Whiskers of Mr. Butters cat
    I’m a what?

    1. Don’t

    Oh no

    2. Cry

    (Tears are simulated)

    3. Repeat

    Maybe how to practice being a cat
    Stuck in a lööp

    And there you have it, now you know how to practice!

    *What’s that? These steps don’t seem quite right, you say? But they’ve been vigorously tested by musicians around the world! …


    How to Practice

    Ok. So I am working on actual real content for this, but humor is more fun! Also I told Saxman that I was going to do a series on practicing (or at least one post), and I thought the best place to start would be the philosophy of practice. His reaction was, let’s say, less than enthusiastic. Thankfully for you, I’m writing this, and not him, and you’re going to get that philosophy I know you crave! Just not today.

    In the meantime, check out some more pictures of Butters, this time without my super awesome photo editing additions! Or if you’re tired of my shenanigans and actually need to know how to practice, Bulletproof Musician has this much more boring post. Then you can come back here later for the FUN. PHILOSOPHY FUN. Also known as THE BEST FUN.

  • Day of a (Kind of) Professional Musician

    THIS IS DEFINITELY REALITY AND NOT JUST AN IDEAL DAY

    I’m a little busy this week, so these are probably going to be shorter posts. Or at least as short as I can get my verbose self to be. Although my main problem is organizing my thoughts, not thinking of more things to say… Anyway. I’m going to give you a glimpse into my version of a Day of a Professional Musician ™.

    Morning

    In the mornings, I start out by getting out of bed. (Off to a strong start, I know.) I take a while to get going physically in the morning, so getting out of bed is definitely A Step.

    Next, I make tea. Tea is very important. Do not go without tea, because tea is delightful. How can you have a good morning if you don’t take time to make a cup of tea (well, I use a mug) and sit down to enjoy it? But for real though, this is my time to wake up and get my mind organized for the rest of the day. With the tea, I will either read or write, and get the gray matter going.

    Mornings are also for plant care, because that’s starting to take a bit of time (oh nooo). I go around and check to make sure that everyone is doing alright, check soil to see if anyone needs water, and make sure the spider mites aren’t invading again. This is also my time for yoga, when I yoga. I’m not great at yoging sans studio, and right now I am sans studio.

    Next up is food. Food is good.

    Afternoon

    IT’S PRACTICE TIME, BABY. In the afternoon, I closet myself with my violin and we spend some hopefully quality time together; and if it isn’t quality at least it’s time! Right?! That’s definitely how that works!*

    Evening

    Cool time skip, right? Evenings are for either rehearsals (or concerts), or if I have the night off, I do chores, or work… or, let’s be real, I take the night off. Also I eat dinner. That’s a thing.

    Weird Days

    Some days are weird. These are days with morning rehearsals. I don’t like them. But I guess they’re also a Day of a Professional Musician.

    Ok I’m busy so bye for today. I still love you.


    *That’s not how that works.

    day of a professional musician cat
  • Rehearsal Etiquette, Part 3

    Part 1 was on your personal rehearsal etiquette, Part 2 was on your sectional rehearsal etiquette, so naturally Part 3 is about your orchestral rehearsal etiquette. And if this organization system doesn’t make sense, too bad. This is my party.

    Hierarchy

    I’ve teased this a few times, so I’ll finally list it out. You’ll find that it is both predictable and straightforward.

    1. Conductor
    2. Concertmaster
    3. Principals
    4. Assistant Principals
    5. Everyone Else

    There’s also your personnel manager, whom you should respect and treasure no matter where in the hierarchy you are, as well as your union rep (if you have one). If there’s a guest soloist, they rank on par with the conductor.

    This list is the direction of the flow of power and respect; if you’re familiar with the two types of each, I mean here the power over and respect of authority versions, respectively. You can hope for some respect for your person, but at the end of the day the orchestra is highly structured and stratified. This is to keep rehearsals from devolving into endless debates and arguments and amusing asides.

    Im Lauf der Rehearsal

    Orchestral rehearsal etiquette really isn’t that complicated, so let’s do this one as a quick journey through an orchestral rehearsal, looking at some of the more common and exciting pitfalls as they come up.

    Tuning

    Step one in a rehearsal, after you’ve sat down and unpacked (or vice versa), is tuning. You’ll know it’s time to tune, because the concertmaster will stand up and face the ensemble. This is your subtle clue to be quiet. Usually there will be three A’s given: first for the woodwinds, then the brass, then finally the strings. Sometimes the strings are split into low and high, each with their own tuning note.

    When tuning, don’t come in right away. Give it a moment to settle, and to let it get into your ear. Then come in softly; don’t tune forte. I personally always wait to come in until after my principal (for me, the concertmaster), but this isn’t a universal rule. Once you have finished tuning, stop playing.

    In Rehearsal

    Your job now is to play with the rest of the ensemble. How do you do that, though? You follow the conductor. Sure, play with your section, but there’s a god in that room and they’re the one holding the baton. They stop conduction, you stop playing. They speak, you listen, even if they aren’t talking to you. (This is actually kind of important and often disregarded. But just because the information isn’t specifically addressed to you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t apply to you. Also, conductors will often bring in the rest of the ensemble on the part they were discussing, and if you weren’t listening to where that was…)

    If you have a question, ask your principal. Don’t yell questions up from the back of the orchestra. Also, stop and ask yourself: does this question pertain to anyone besides me? How about anyone outside of my section? If the answer to either of those is no, then instead of stopping rehearsal, make a note for yourself (so you don’t forget it) and address the problem at break or after rehearsal.

    When Playing

    Listen to the rest of the ensemble. Weird thought for musicians, I know. Often musical phrases or ideas are repeated and echoed, or they develop, and you’ll need to listen to do any of that musically: either passing off phrases smoothly, or picking them up in the same style as you received them. You’ll also need to listen to know how to fit in dynamically (loud or soft), stylistically (articulations), and in time and tune. It’s also nice to listen to your colleagues, because they’re pretty good musicians too.

    If someone has a solo, it’s appropriate to do a quiet clap/foot shuffle during the first run, assuming it doesn’t crash and burn I suppose. Otherwise, refrain from in any way critiquing other players if you’re not their principal. If you are their principal, try to be diplomatic.

    I hate that I feel the need to say this, but don’t talk back to the conductor. Or your principal. I don’t care if you’re right, that’s not how orchestras work.

    On Break and After Rehearsal

    This is your chance to socialize, NOT during rehearsal. Do remember though that you’re still in a professional environment, so moderate your topics and gossip accordingly. I’m not saying don’t gossip, because I’m not sure that’s possible for musicians, but be aware of your audience at least.

    The hierarchy can relax a bit off the podium, but it doesn’t break down entirely. How much it relaxes also depends on the orchestra: some groups are very casual, while others stay much more formal. As a general rule of thumb, maintain the respect you had in rehearsal.

    Orchestral Rehearsal Etiquette

    Orchestral rehearsal etiquette boils down to respect. Respect authority, and respect conventions. If there are any specific situations that I forgot, ask yourself what’s the respectful way to do this? and you should be golden. If there isn’t an obvious more respectful answer, then you’re probably safe going with your gut (but chose wisely to avoid purgatory).

    If you haven’t already read Part 1 or Part 2, go check those out now! And if you’ve thought of something that I have forgotten, be sure to let me know in the comments (especially now that the series is wrapped up). In the meantime, check out some other blog posts for quality entertainment!

  • Rehearsal Etiquette, Part 2

    This is a continuation from Part 1, which looked at personal etiquette. Part 2 examines sectional rehearsal etiquette, or how you should behave in regards to the rest of your section.

    Hey so you know when you’re in rehearsal and your principal turns to you and says, “Let’s play this part a little more piano and legato,” and you’re like SURE WHATEVER LOSERS T A C C A T O– and then suddenly everything goes dark and you smell smoke and a crackly voice says “Welcome to Hell!” And you’re like, “Wait a minute, there must be some mistake, I was expecting St. Peter!” Don’t worry! That wasn’t a mistake.

    Sectional Rules: Non-principals

    Hopefully you have learned how to comport yourself as an individual, because now it’s time to learn how to behave as part of a group. Orchestras are composed of different sections, which are grouped by instrument: cello section, trumpet section, percussion section, etc; violins are split into first and second violin sections. Each of these sections has a principal player. There are also “sections” based on instrument family: the string section, the woodwind section, and the brass section.

    Each section of the orchestra has slightly different internal rules, and obviously I am most familiar with the those of the string sections. I’ll toss in what I know of other sections though, and you can tell me in the comments how I’m wrong! In general, though, as a section player, listen to your principal and try your best to blend into your section.

    String Players:

    You’re probably going to have a stand partner, so a lot of these rules deal with that (sorry, bass players). Position yourself so that you can see the music and the conductor without blocking your stand partner. Stands have an inside and an outside: outside is on the audience side, inside is not. If you’re unpacking at your desk, cases and personal items go under your chair or on the outside of your stand. We’ll get to hierarchy in Part 3, but right now you need to know that the outside player is a step above the inside player on the ladder.

    In divisi, outside plays the upper line, inside plays the lower. When marking in fingerings, outside marks above the staff, inside marks below. Make sure that, while you do mark essentials, you don’t over-mark. If everything is circled, nothing is circled. Inside players turn pages, and you need to do so as non-disruptively as possible: that means quickly, quietly, and on time. If you have to stop playing early to get the page over in time, you stop playing early. Your stand partner is going to get annoyed if they keep having to wait on you to turn the page; they don’t have x-ray vision to see what’s on the next page.

    Get the correct bowings. If they’re not in the part already, look at the stand in front of you, or get them from the principal’s part during break. When your principal makes a change during rehearsal, make sure that gets passed back through the section. Don’t be that stand that kills the information train, unless you like having daggers stared into the back of your head.

    Non-String Players:

    Match your principal’s articulation. String players get a head start on this with being able to see bowings, you get to rely on your ears (oh my!). Match your principal’s intonation (hopefully they’ve practiced with a tuner). If you have rests and you’re sitting there, maybe a little bored, watching your principal’s solo line going by, let it go by. Do not try to finger along. Would you like to see that out of the corner of your eye if you were playing the solo? Of course not! That’s hella distracting!

    Sectional Rules: Principals

    Alright now I need to talk to you, principals, because I don’t know if you noticed or not but a lot of those above sectional rehearsal etiquette rules hinged on you. You don’t get to be special lawless fairy tale princes and princesses, you get to be special law abiding actual princes and princesses who have actual governing work to do.

    Be prepared. Know what the part is like, know what the style should be, know what the bowings are.

    Don’t suck. No pressure. Practice before (weird concept I know) with a metronome and a tuner or drones.

    Lead. You can do so much non-verbally, but not if you sit there like a bump on a log. Cue entrances, breaths, gestures, whatever you feel your section could use. Don’t go overboard, but trust me: the deck is a lot bigger than you think it is.

    Communicate. Talk to your section. Non-verbal cues are cool and all, but some things need words. Also, talk with other section leaders. An orchestra isn’t made up of little instrument islands.

    The Sectional Rehearsal Etiquette Basics

    Basically all this boils down to two points: play nice with the other kids, and the kid with the biggest stick makes the rules. Remember, rehearsal etiquette is all about avoiding getting stabbed by your fellow musicians. (You laugh, but don’t forget what your double reed friends are packing.) So make sure you check out Part 1 on your personal conduct, and check back for Part 3: This Time It’s Orchestral.

  • Rehearsal Etiquette, Part 1

    So now that you’re a professional musician, it’s time to go to your first professional rehearsal! Professional orchestral musicians have some fun rehearsal etiquette rules that you should probably definitely know and follow if you want to be successful and be asked back to play with that ensemble again – and escape with your life!

    Why do we have rehearsal etiquette?

    Humans love to make rules. It’s how we impose order on life, how we glean meaning out of chaos. Some rules exist to structure society; we call these laws. Some rules exist just so that some people can feel like they belong to a group, so when we can shun Lord Stanley when he doesn’t know which fork to use to eat his soufflé (that’s why you go to the club regularly, Stan old boy – keep up!). And some rules exist to keep people from murdering each other; this is where rehearsal etiquette falls.

    All places of work have etiquette rules, spoken and unspoken. Famously, don’t microwave your fish in the break room, or listen to your music without headphones. Rehearsal etiquette cuts a little deeper than many workplace environment rules, however. This is because an orchestra takes 40 – 70 highly educated musicians, who have been training for years on how to play music, form their own interpretations, and be as precise as possible, and says, “Ok everyone, follow the leader.” If not for some highly structured rules, this would be an exercise in herding anal retentive cats (see academic meetings on what happens with highly educated gatherings without strict rules).

    What are these rules?

    So, let’s try to make it through rehearsal unscathed. We’ll group the rules into three branches: personal rules, sectional rules, and ensemble rules. Personal rules are controlled entirely by you, relating to your specific conduct and performance. Sectional rules are how you should behave in respect to the other people of your instrument/family. Ensemble rules are the big, global, really noticeable behaviors that can get you blacklisted the fastest if you ignore them. This post will discuss personal rules – stay tuned for sectional and ensemble rehearsal etiquette, because you will not want to miss those!

    Personal Rules

    The basics: be prepared for rehearsal. Know your part, and know how your part fits into the music. Have all of the things you need: music, instruments, shoulder rest, mutes, mallets, mouthpieces, whatever you need to make the sounds you need to make; also, always have a pencil or three with you, because you will have things to mark in your music. I personally prefer old-school wood pencils (Ticonderogas or bust!). Otherwise, use your discretion. Have water or coffee or tea in a sealable container. If you like to use stickies or something to flag parts to practice later have those with easy reach. Bring a tuner if you want. The extras are up to you!

    Be on time to rehearsal. As my youth orchestra director loved to say, “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable.” You need time before rehearsal starts to unpack, tune, warm up, and settle in. Be respectful of your colleagues’ time and don’t roll in at the last second. This isn’t a party where the last person to show up is the coolest. (I’m not 100% sure how parties work, but that’s what the media has taught me.)

    Be professional. Specifically, don’t show off by playing Paganini or your concerto or whatever, like the person who was inevitably in the practice room next to you at summer festivals. You aren’t there to play Paganini, you haven’t been hired to play Paganini, leave that at home. Warm up on scales, arpeggios, whatever exercises you need to get yourself ready for the music on your stand, and of course the music on your stand, but remember that this is not your personal practice time. Don’t use it as such. And last but not least, if there’s a solo in the music that isn’t yours, don’t play it. It’s not yours to play with. Just like you learned in preschool.


    Now go to Part 2, and check back later for Part 3. In the meantime, bring your blood pressure back down with some plants and a cat!

  • How to be a Professional Musician

    Have you ever thought about being a professional musician? Do you think you have what it takes? Follow my 15 easy steps and you can slide down the slippery slope just like me in no time!

    1. Play an instrument

    Find some instrument you like and play it. Or I guess you can sing. Just somehow make music.

    2. Get decent at it

    I’m not saying you have to be Yo-Yo Ma or anything at this point, but you have to at least know how to hold the thing (or if you’re a singer, breathe maybe? I don’t know).

    3. Decide to be a professional musician

    This is important. You’re never going to be a professional musician if you never think, I want to be a professional musician! Instead you’ll be a construction worker or a dinosaur or whatever it was that your 3-year-old self thought was the coolest thing in the world.

    4. Have people dissuade you

    Look, this happens to everyone. Your parents, your grandparents, your guidance counsellor, someone is going to pull you aside and say, “Hey, have you considered doing literally anything else? I hear even philosophy majors at least have cool parties!”

    5. DON’T BE DISSUADED

    You ain’t no pushover. You’re a MUSICIAN. Philosophy parties are boring anyway, and besides, what is money compared with passion?

    6. Practice your pants off

    Now you’ve done it, you’re on your way for real now. That means you get to spend the rest of your life practicing madly. (Interpret that how you will.) At this point, being decent at your instrument (or, yes, at singing, please feel free to infer that from now on, you vocalist you) is no longer enough: you have to be good.

    7. Go to school for music

    How do you get good? Why, you have to study with someone good of course! And naturally that means going to school and getting a degree in music. Sure, there are some top players who don’t have degrees, but they were like child prodigies or something and therefore don’t count. You, a normal human being, need a degree.

    8. Go to summer festivals

    You know that fun saying, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know? You need to know more musicians now. Sure you’ve probably met everyone at your school by now, but you need more. Musicians grow their webs of contacts by going to conferences and summer festivals. Conferences are for nerds though, so you go to summer festivals. Make sure after you come back from them that you talk exclusively about your awesome experiences there for at least a month and a half.

    9. Graduate! … decide to go to school more

    You did it! You got your shiny BM! Now what? Get a job? Oh. Um. Well, maybe. But are you really ready for that? You still haven’t learned all of the repertoire that was on that one pedagogue’s list of essentials, and you’re still not sure you’re as good as your frenemy Sara from Summer Festival. What you clearly need now is another degree or so. Back to school you go!

    10. Take an audition!

    It’s time! You have degreeS! You feel ready to take on the Wonderful World of Orchestral Auditions. Local big orchestra is holding some, so it’s time to send in your resume and deposit check, and hit the practice room. See you in round 1!

    11. You don’t win

    The Wonderful World of Orchestral Auditions has now introduced itself to you properly by hitting you with a steam roller. There were 70 other people there for that audition and you didn’t make it out of the first round. Better luck next time!

    12. Repeat steps 10 and 11 ad nauseam

    This is the part where you really start questioning life. You think back to step 4 and wonder if maybe Mrs. Rice had a point in trying to steer you towards engineering. You look at your non musician friends progressing with life and think, maybe an 8-5 would be nice. But YOU’RE A MUSICIAN, you silly head, and you can’t stop now.

    13. Branch out

    Ok but you really do need money. Probably by now you’ve broken into the local gig scene, but that isn’t going to be enough. You get side gigs: you work at a coffee shop, you teach urchins, you start a blog, but you don’t get a full time job, oh no. You need that time to practice, because one day, one heavenly day, you’re going to reach step 14.

    14. Win a job!

    You’ve done it! You’re a professional musician now for real! You’ve finally won an audition! Of course, unless it’s full-time orchestra, you’re still back on step 12, and there’s a good chance you’re on step 12 even if it is a full-time orchestra. Because now that you’re in one orchestra, what’s to stop you from getting into a better orchestra?!

    15. Decide that you’ve made it

    A highly scientific study conducted recently that I would link to but can’t for totally legit reasons and definitely not because I made it up concluded that .005% of musicians know that they’ve made it to this step. Maybe you’re in the Berlin Philharmonic, but wouldn’t it be better to be a section leader? Wouldn’t it be better to be the concertmaster? Could you be a soloist? What about a conductor? … Musicians train constantly for years be better and to improve. Good luck turning that off, you Professional Musician.